I hate that everything is only on your time. I wish I just had the guts to cut you off. But I am weak. 

I told myself I would never be that girl again. I am being that girl again.

Since I met him I haven’t uttered the words “I hate men” because I thought I knew something different for the first time in years, but I was obviously just another fool for another game. Instead I wasn’t the cat this time and I was the mouse. I’ve always been the one to make a mess of everything. Slowly manipulating every person I had met in to believing I was something worth taking a chance for. This time, I was manipulated. I know what it’s like to see the face on the other side of the glass. Sometimes I wish I still loved my ex the same because at least then I wouldn’t be angry and I wouldn’t have this to bitch about. Sometimes I wish I could be a whore and just lie next to every man I ever desired, let them control my body, my life, my emotions. Instead, I lie next to the person I try to consider my friend. Deep, deep down there is so much more. Pretend, let us pretend we’re not who we are. Lets pretend I never fucked up, never let my inner thoughts get the best of me. I over analyze everything. I think to much. I am my worst enemy. I am my worst friend. I am my best friend. I’m tired of feeling like my emotions are control by someone, something that I have known for merely a second of the rest of my life. I lie here awake pretending I’m asleep so you wont see me crying. I know you feel the shakes cause they’re echoing across the room. I can’t pretend I don’t care, that I didn’t fall for you. You were the best and worst thing to happen to me. I over came my biggest fear. Letting go. I realized better existed. At least I thought I did. Cat and mouse. I thought I was going to be the cat again in this scenario. Here I am chasing you, but I’m not a cat. I’m a mouse. I’m caught in your grasp fighting for me to get free. I want to be free… Free in your arms. I just want to quit screaming in front of your face “pick me! pick me! PICK ME!” I know you don’t see it. I can only be me. In hopes one day I’ll find a second chance. I’m just impatient. Reckless. Exhausted. I don’t know where to start or end. I messed up.

I find it hard to write out my feelings when I would like to publicly state them. It’s not something I want to hide behind fake walls. 

Love. 

What a complicated, screwed up way to feel. The last 24 hours has brought up so many haunting memories and feelings that I don’t know how to justify anymore. I only know what my heart feels. Wounds have been ripped open and my heart feels like it’s laying there on the floor. Something unimaginable, something I thought would never be the case again. How I allow myself to let you have the best and worst parts of me, I will never know. Lying next to someone else when I know they aren’t you is like filling a hole with sand…. The only thing that hole does is sink to the point it’s eventually becomes a hole again. A temporary fix. They say it takes half the time to move on… Well… Half the time has passed and I don’t love you any less then I did the day I met you. 

It’s hard having to grasp the concept you’re married, and not just that your married but everything inside of you have been turned upside down. 

I can’t seem to finish this…