I don’t update this often, but I felt compelled to be honest with myself tonight about how I feel with the events of recent times. I filter through relationships like I filter through my clothes. One outfit change after the other. I’m not talking just about emotional relationships with men, or even woman, but people you consider(ed) friends. I find room for people I shouldn’t even give a moment of my day to, which may just be one of my worst qualities. I don’t know how to say no. I smile, and there in the back of my head is this area that just screams “what the fuck are you doing!!!??” on a continuing basis. I don’t speak of anyone or anything in-particular, just the idea that I do that with work, friends, family, boyfriends, and random strangers. I’m too nice of a person, and I don’t know when I can or will ever simply say “no.” 

Which takes me to a different place in my head that is fucked up beyond words imaginable. I know I have “daddy issues” I have issues with all men. I don’t know how I will ever possibly be able to destroy this aspect of myself. It’s been hammered in to me so deep half the time I’m sub conscious that I am even “fucking up.” How do you explain to a guy you meet, that you simply don’t know how to not act like a complete lunatic? Because quite frankly I am not that girl. At least I don’t want to be, nor intend to be. I am working on it. But they don’t stick long enough for me to find the right way to do or say things. Which takes me to the next and really the final area of my head, the even more fucked up idea that occurred 2 years ago when one day I found myself standing in my livingroom in panic because my fiance had packed up and left me… while I was at work.

Tonight exists a bottle of wine and this idea that I have no idea how I am currently surviving my mangled, trashed, shredded heart. Two years later and some odd days, weeks, month later I am still hurting just as much as that day. I’ll admit, as the days move forward and I move forward it gets easier but damned if it will ever get better. I haven’t really dated in two years because I can’t stand to face the next man that I know is going to rip my heart out and dance around on it. Yes, I got an apology a month or two ago, but one that I don’t consider a sincere one. Hell the only reason I got it was because I admitted that I was sorry for being crazy, that I had messed up and made many mistakes because I was still living like a child. Two years later, I’m a woman. I support myself and live my life. I’m content with who I am (granted I keep saying I need to drop a few pounds since I ate myself in to comfort.) and the one thing he constantly said, was he could never be with me until I loved myself. Well I do, and where are you? Oh, wait, that’s right, you got married to the second GIRL you met. Who can’t even go to a bar with you. There is so much I can say on this fact, but this is where I stop and say, your choice, and I’m TRUELY happy you found someone. That’s wonderful, that’s great, and well that is fucking lame. *Imply sarcasm*

I’m still overwhelmed by the fact he had the audacity to apologize for me for simply being an ass to me throughout the event of a four year relationship. When I pondered for years upon the idea of giving him the satisfaction of knowing I had grown in to a person that could apologize and truly mean it. That was my idea of getting closure, which truthfully, didn’t fill that hole. That wound is still there and it’s pissed, sad, and whatever else. I never told him how I truly felt. I kept/keep my mouth shut. I prance around like an adult and I live the life he never lived. I don’t even understand why he messaged me after all that dead time. But I’ll tell you what it sent me back about 200 steps to recovery. 

I miss him, I would give my world to take those 200 steps back and rewind the past and have a do over. But that’s the world I knew and I don’t know now. I repeat often that I thank him every day because he gave me my life back. He taught me things that would have never made me more wise beyond my years. Because of this, I’m happy and I have a great life. But it doesn’t change how dark I feel on the inside. At one point I thought the love wasn’t real, but it is entirely too real. I’m tired of feeling this collapse which I feel at least weekly. One day out of the week I’ll get upset and hide for a while probably drink myself to sleep so I wont think anymore. Nothing gets me more. The fact we can have a civil conversation now after we had some time to grow as people really gets to me. I just was never given time to grow up. I keep that “what if?”question in the back of my head. “What if he misses me?” “What if we met a few years later?” What if! What if! What if! I mean gosh, how pathetic am I? I’m young and I seem like I am completely naive thinking that stupid “What if?” question. Cause there is no what if. I remain optimistic and normally when asked about him or him and his wife I crack jokes but that’s because it’s the only way I can cope without getting sent in to a thousand different places I probably shouldn’t be at that time. I am trying to not be self-destructive, you know that whole alcohol, random guys thing… Well I’ve been there and done that and that way of coping with that idea hasn’t been a solid outcome. I still drink and often but not in the ways I use to. I guess this is step one to recovery. Yeah… No.

So this little song called “Between You and I” really sets the mood for how I truly feel. Maybe he’ll listen to it one day and realize how sorry I feel and how I have lived for the last two years. I don’t know.

“Maybe it was wrong of me to think I could keep you, or maybe it’s the last few drinks taking over my mouth and I’ve been thinking, I want you to know that I’m fine here without you, but I can’t bring myself to lie to you, and since we’re being honest I feel I should tell you, I’ve been filling up the empty space between you and I, between you and I, she compares to you, between you and I, I still keep your pictures underneath my bed, where she gives herself to me, where I give myself to you….”

yeah and there is more to the song.

I’m sickly in love and I have no idea how to move on or if it will ever happen. I just know I’m depressed. As much as I hate to admit, but I’m in a hole I can’t get out of and I completely turned this blog post in to a sarcastic novel filled with anger then what I truly wanted to accomplish. Maybe that will happen one day but for now I’ll drink another glass of wine.