I can’t justify how I feel anymore. I feel like I am constantly defending myself to myself. I just want for once to feel like I matter. For things to go as planned or at least in the right direction. I look in the mirror and I see a different person, someone I use to be, and the person I am now. I miss Joseph every single day even more lately. I don’t know if closure exists with us, and time only seems to go by slower. I tell our ending how it really happened, not exaggerated. It’s simple, I kissed him bye and I went to work, I came home and he was gone. There was just a note. How am I suppose to cope with that scene? I have begun to pick up the pieces of my torn up self and I’ve moved on. But what is holding me back? Why do I feel like such a mess and that a part of him still has me? I feel like I can’t even give myself to someone else because of him. I know it wasn’t meant to be, and I’m happy we’re over but I can’t let myself be vulnerable to anyone else. I care, but I don’t care. He’s happy and so am I. I have my life, and he has his so what is this aching feeling? 

Men seem to do nothing but fuck with my head. Not that they’re my biggest problems right now, I’m just lonely. They’re the one thing I can write about and rant about to feel some relief, to feel a bit better. I keep stating that I want to be single but deep down I want someone to want me, to do things to get my attention, to impress me. It has been so long. 

I think I might be chasing after the wrong person, but maybe he’s the right. For the first time in 4 years I genuinely care about someone else. I’m not sure how to react to these feelings. I am trying to bite my tongue, not give in to saying things I shouldn’t, doing things I shouldn’t. I’m giving it the whole one step at a time, see where things go, go with the flow… But we’re on different pages. He’s new to the single life, and I’m like the puppy waiting for the return of its owner. I’m giving it time, because it’s the only thing I can do. I don’t want to rush this. But not knowing the outcome scares the hell out of me. I wish I could see the future, predict what is going to happen next. I’m an impatient person, and the one thing he has been self consciously teaching me is to be patient. You are suppose to learn from people, and I’m glad he can impact me enough to help me learn something valuable. Lets just hope I can stick with it. I think things will be clearer once we’re physically with each other and not spending our evenings on video chat because him being in Canada for three months doesn’t help. Why bands have to record in different countries I don’t know… But he needs to come home so I can just leap on him and give him the biggest huge. I’m tired of day dreaming and cuddling with the pillows, it’d be nicer if I could just experience it all with him.

Things might be actually starting to look up. I’m home from Atlanta. I was there for three weeks training for my new job and it was an experience to say the least. I met some cool people and I met some terrible ones. My co- workers started off cool but ended up kind of sucking in the long run. Long story short, stupid drunken drama lead to a chaotic mess that I’d prefer not to disclose at this time. It is just a stupid childish mess. On a lighter note, my job is pretty cool. I’m happy things are looking up with that atleast.

I’m done for now. I lost my motivation to write somewhere in the first paragraph. Tata.