Since I met him I haven’t uttered the words “I hate men” because I thought I knew something different for the first time in years, but I was obviously just another fool for another game. Instead I wasn’t the cat this time and I was the mouse. I’ve always been the one to make a mess of everything. Slowly manipulating every person I had met in to believing I was something worth taking a chance for. This time, I was manipulated. I know what it’s like to see the face on the other side of the glass. Sometimes I wish I still loved my ex the same because at least then I wouldn’t be angry and I wouldn’t have this to bitch about. Sometimes I wish I could be a whore and just lie next to every man I ever desired, let them control my body, my life, my emotions. Instead, I lie next to the person I try to consider my friend. Deep, deep down there is so much more. Pretend, let us pretend we’re not who we are. Lets pretend I never fucked up, never let my inner thoughts get the best of me. I over analyze everything. I think to much. I am my worst enemy. I am my worst friend. I am my best friend. I’m tired of feeling like my emotions are control by someone, something that I have known for merely a second of the rest of my life. I lie here awake pretending I’m asleep so you wont see me crying. I know you feel the shakes cause they’re echoing across the room. I can’t pretend I don’t care, that I didn’t fall for you. You were the best and worst thing to happen to me. I over came my biggest fear. Letting go. I realized better existed. At least I thought I did. Cat and mouse. I thought I was going to be the cat again in this scenario. Here I am chasing you, but I’m not a cat. I’m a mouse. I’m caught in your grasp fighting for me to get free. I want to be free… Free in your arms. I just want to quit screaming in front of your face “pick me! pick me! PICK ME!” I know you don’t see it. I can only be me. In hopes one day I’ll find a second chance. I’m just impatient. Reckless. Exhausted. I don’t know where to start or end. I messed up.